You give and take away.
But You've given so much more than You've taken away.
Thank You so so much.
I love You so much.

And I sing
I sing I love You so
And I sing
Because the world can't take away Your love.

I remember Your goodness each day. Even if I received no more blessing, I have already received the greatest blessing. The greatest gift - Your son Jesus Christ. The redemption.

My Bag and My Life

I alighted from the bus. As usual, I have the feeling the gate card may not be in my bag. Not exactly living life on the edge, but a tad too unpredictable for my preference.

I'm carrying my handbag, and 2 plastic bags. 1 plastic bag because I bought a packet of grapes. Wanted to leave it in office for the next day but decided to bring it home somehow. Impatience. I have another plastic bag, and that one contains my dinner. My dinner that's already cold. Lukewarm.

Anyhow, I reach the gate. And I dig into my bag, and the card isn't in the place it always is. That pocket I always dig into to look for it. I continue searching, but with all that baggage, I only had one hand free. Baggage. I needed a free hand. I needed some space.

My bag was/is a mess. It's a bag with no fixed structure. It's a cheap bag I got from Robinsons some time back. It's not treated very well because it isn't worth very much. It's skin is already a bit torn, and the inside is a mess. Sweet wrappers, a cosmetic bag, pens and coins, tissue paper, messy souvenirs given to me at the exhibition today, small and crumpled pieces of paper, my diary. Everything is inside, but nothing can be found. Frustration. I think of calling someone down to open the door for me, but even my phone cannot be found - a means of contacting people when I need them. Gone. Inside somewhere, but cannot be found.

It's frustrating, it's irritating. That load of mess on the inside. Shapeless, structureless. Lacking neatness, order. Nothing interesting. Just a bunch of junk. Nothing inside is expensive, and the bag isn't worth much either. Worthless.

And so I walk away from the gate because I've given up. I think of heading towards the next nearest gate. It's my only chance. But since I was going to pass the bus stop, I decided I should stop there to take a look into my bag again.

So I dig, and I go through all that mess. And I hate it. But I actually find it. But I am still unhappy, frustrated, angry. Angry that it wasn't in its place, angry that I couldn't find it the first time round. Angry that I have to make a detour. There was no point in this detour. A detour is a detour is a detour.

And I walk. I'm walking on road made of tar, but the ground is wet from the rain and I'm afraid of falling. I always am. Always. My feet hurt from standing on heels, balancing on my toes the entire bus ride. My feet - they stink. I'm frowning, and I trudge along. Why - I don't know. And I don't care. I don't want to frown only because it'll give me wrinkles.

I finally reach home.
But I'm already a wreck, and I feel like I'm crying. It's just that I'm angry and not sad. No tears come out but I'm pent up. It's a small thing I know. But today everything got to me. Because it isn't just about my stupid worthless and messy bag, or the gate, the missing key and the detour.

I've never realised how much of a mess my life was in.

My career is in drabs, my love life is a zero, I can never hear God. I think I'm so independent but really, I'm a weakling. I'm a nobody. I never make the right decisions. I'm stupid, I'm clumsy, my feet stink, my bag's a mess just like my life is. I pray and I don't know who hears me - sometimes I pray like I'm just thinking to myself. Detours, closed doors, closed gates, frowns, frustrations. Fear, falling down, and the fear of falling. The rocky bus ride, lethargy, hate, walking away. Giving up. Searching, ploughing through. Trudging. Over and over. Worthlessness and a bunch of mess - both inside and outside.

God, I'm so sick of this. When will I ever receive any of the blessings you've given to all the people around me. Where are blessings? Why am I so sad, my soul so downcast.
I know You are God, but recently I cannot feel that You are good to me.
But I know You are. I know You are good. I want to know.

I say all these things. And then I'm entirely aware. Aware of who hurt who first. Who let who down, and who disappointed who. Who was unfaithful to who.

Lord, would You begin or continue to pour blessings into my life. I've been praying, but I've never felt so alone. I never hear You, and I don't know know where the problem lies.

It feels dark, like the sun might never rise. The only light I see is a headlight.

God, there is nothing left for me. I am filled with bitterness and anger, and I can only try my best to forget all the bad things that seem to be happening and pretend like all is good. But You see Lord, and You know it isn't. Life feels like a chore.

For all who want to take a dig at me - I have nothing left for you. Laugh all you want.

My only hope right now is that God works with broken vessels.
And I don't even know if the broken He works with is the kind of broken I am.

But I happen to know that God works with broken vessels.
And I pray that I am the kind He works with.

So instead of crying, I sing.
Or at least I try to.

I'm tired and angry, and I don't feel like saying anything else.
And I have no wish to talk to anyone.

I was blessed by the Methodist at the Marketplace conference. Something must have led me to go for it, and am very glad I did.

*****

When asked what ministry I am in, I always answer that I lead a cell group in church, play the keyboard in the band for service. But my ministry extends beyond the work I do in church. After all, my ministry ought to focus on people outside of church, because that's where it matters most.

*****

I've been to the ministry group at my workplace once thus far, but I feel somewhat inspired to perhaps help lead a series of sessions or at least a session from time to time.

I have some ideas:
1) Rhythm / breath prayer
Just to pause from the hustle and bustle of work; to be still and know He is God; A dimmed room filled with singing and prayer.

2) A series of sessions on intercession at the workplace

3) Screen the video on YHWH

*****

More and more, I am aware and reminded that what I do is more than a job. It is God's calling for me. The devil sometimes puts thoughts of impatience, greed and love for money in my mind, tempting me with possible "greener pastures" but I would never be successful unless the Lord my God has called me to it. I love God's calling, I enjoy what I do, and I love God.

*****

I wonder sometimes if sometimes my thoughts are way too practical and I end up being a bit too boring - even for myself. I have willed myself to stay clear of frivolous thought and speech. Now that it's become a habit, I wish I had some of these back.

*****

Over this week, I have realised I have been a pot calling the kettle back. I have been too eager to gain attention and recognition that I have neglected to give glory and credit where due.

I have never realised before how selfish I am. All my thoughts are about me, me and me. The thought of this disgusts me. Could anyone be more self-centred. Notice this is not a question.

But before I close this section, let me say that I wish I could have a clean start and get a second chance.

*****

Dinner with Angela and Louisa tomorrow. :)

*****

Is stoic how I was made to be?
Can I be a little more interesting, a little bit more excitable at small things?

*****

I say a little prayer for you people tonight:
- Derek
- Kevin
- Dad and Mum
- Fay
- Janell

*****

O Lord, forgive me for my apathy and for my constant indifference to the poor in this world.
How humbled will I be when I hold that poor girl in my hands.

I want to feed the world's poor.

Lord, let this desire never fade away.

*****

I read. I search.
But alas, there's still nothing to write.

I did something wrong, and I can't get out of this mess
A mistake made is a mistake made
Can I not run from it, but stick through the pain and learn from it instead

I wish I could stick my head in the ground
But I can't because ostrich is not my gene
Courage is painful, escape is easy but cowardly

I wish I had the right answers
The solution to the mistake I've made
How do I resolve this mess, undo the knots I've tied for myself
I'm tangled in this great mess
That light I see is a headlight

I am hopeful
But I have no wisdom to solve problems
I can pray for a change of heart(s)
I can hope for miracles
But I still don't know what to do

But that's the point because if I did
I would choose the shortest route of escape
Escape
Escape is cheap

I will not do that
But God, give me Your wisdom
I wish to be forgiven though I do not deserve it

What should I do
What can I do

Lord, only You can teach me and guide me
I've reached a dead end
Tell me what to do

_____________________________________________

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Isn't the home a place of solace?
Isn't the home a place of grace?
Isn't the home a place of forgiveness,
A place to kiss and embrace?

The silence between us shattered my heart.
The people I love most.
I felt lost and abandoned,
And I asked Why have thou forsaken me?

I give nothing but love to you,
Never witholding forgiveness.
I may have gotten angry,
But my love for you overwhelms me
I cannot stay angry for more than a moment.

My closest of kin,
My beloved family.
I would die to have your love.
I yearn to see that you love me too.

And my heart danced when we spoke again.
I'm all smiles.

And then I finally understood the Father's love for me.

_____________________________

I could never stay angry for more than a moment. -- Your love for me is overwhelming. Your love is patient, forgiving, and nurturing.
My heart broke when they stopped speaking to me -- Your heart broke when I stopped speaking to You
I would die to gain your love, for us to speak again --- You died to reconcile me to You
I felt forsaken when an argument tore us apart -- Sin in my life pulled me away from You
My heart danced when we spoke again -- Your angels dance over me, and the victory is ours. You conquered the grave for me. You ran towards Your prodigal son.

Surely, Your heart broke when I turned away.

Sorry, my Father. I will never turn away again.

I love You.

Lord, You know how I feel better than anyone, better even than myself.
I live life with the confidence that stems from You. I love You, God.